So, it is Christmas Day, 2:20 am. There isn't a peep in the house, except for my cat meowing outside my door, and no lights on, except for my sister's as she talks to her boyfriend in her room. I have to say, the night of Christmas Eve went off without a hitch. We had a super awesome tradition of deep frying snacks and sitting around the couch watching movies, starting with 50 First Dates because that movie is so freaking awesome , then watching All About Steve. Then a continuation of the tradition of opening one gift before midnight, this year we chose the boxes from my Grandma Linda, and what did she send me? MY SUPER AWESOME MEMORY QUILT, THAT'S WHAT. If you want to have a small peek at my childhood in the rural Midwest, look no further than that quilt. It is a pink masterpiece of awesomeness, depicting my life from the 1st to 2nd grade. Bipolar days, those were. You think my sister and I don't get along now, haha just wait til you hear the terrible shit we got each other into back then! Lolz...anyways... Chick flick night also, so mi madre, sister, and I watched Night in Rodanthe. Loved it, though the ending was depressing. Diane Lane=very sexy.

I have no idea what the purpose of this journal was, I guess I just wanted to type.

I am working on a couple things right now, but Christmas gifts come first, and this weekend I need to pick up some supplies for the 4 gifts I HAVE to make. Eeeeeeeek. I hope to have them done before Sunday night.

And so ends my Christmas post...

Happy Christmas, and to all a good night!

One of my fave artists on here has put me into one of her features!!

[link]

She featured ~Winter Tree... Not my favorite photo, but it's something!!!

I am having trouble lately feeling thankful for what I have now. I keep remembering things from before the big move across the state, and that never helps. I had opportunities everywhere, and now I have almost none. Unless I have the appropriate scores, and even then there isn't much.

And then there's the matter of my "relationship", if you can call it that. I don't know if I can anymore. I care about her, a lot, but I don't feel much reciprocation from her. It's hard, to try and connect with someone who half the time you can't get a hold of or she seems so disconnected or disinterested that it just hurts to watch them seem to not care. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't... I just want to know if she actually wants to try or is just going to leave me when she goes off to college. I want to know if I should actually fight. I want to, but I can not be burned again. It still hurts too much from the last time.

Today, I was accused of saying something because I thought I had the right to since I moved out and am now all "high and mighty".

Let's get this fucking straight. If someone comes to me, asks me something as a favor or for advice or whatever, my current situation has ZERO effect on my answer. I listen to the facts, and whether or not if it's good for my "safety", I do what I think is right. If I get hurt in the process, fine, it's my own damn fault. But I will NOT stand someone blaming whatever I say on how I am doing at that moment. That would be just stupid of me to do. I may not act modest sometimes, but generally, I prefer to keep low, speak from the heart, cuz that's where the best advice and help comes from.

I could be hitting rock bottom, and I still would've said what I did.

To be accused of...gawd fucking dammit, this is what makes me want to end shit with people. And I'm really fucking close to. For the past month, I've been thinking about what is and isn't best for me, and I am finding that there are a few people I want to cut out of my life for good. All I get from them is drama, and I have enough shit to deal with, so fuck'em, I don't care about'em anymore. If they want to stay friends, they have to leave their shit out of it. I will be there to talk about whatever, but I will not listen to their problems. I used to do that, all the time, and what did it get me? With the combination of my shitty home life, some very severe depression and General Anxiety Disorder, because I was so worried about everyone else. I'm DONE. Before I can help anyone else, I need to make sure I'm stable enough to take care of myself.

And anyone who has a problem with me moving out of my parents' house...fuck you.

Anyone who has a problem with who I am dating...again, fuck you. (this one is mainly directed at one person who I would jump at the chance to bitch out. that is, if i didn't care about making more drama with her)

in other news....i am ending one of the most fun weekends ever. my girlfriend picked me up from school on Friday, and we hung out at the apartment til everyone else got there for the party. mostly air force peeps, but a couple friends from LC too, both of which have been added to the A-List for parties. Hey, Jaz, want a sunset?
next day, the guys and i went off-roading with another air force guy. that was some scary shit, but fun. Wehunt should be posting vids on youtube soon...i'll provide links when they're up. ;D
my roomies and i went up to check out this house on N 3rd St thats for rent...its freaking MASSIVE. 3x the size of our apartment...and we can afford it. if they let Epic the Cat in (which they should), we have a new place. 83 and it is beau-ti-ful!

ah, life....balanced.