I am having trouble lately feeling thankful for what I have now. I keep remembering things from before the big move across the state, and that never helps. I had opportunities everywhere, and now I have almost none. Unless I have the appropriate scores, and even then there isn't much.

And then there's the matter of my "relationship", if you can call it that. I don't know if I can anymore. I care about her, a lot, but I don't feel much reciprocation from her. It's hard, to try and connect with someone who half the time you can't get a hold of or she seems so disconnected or disinterested that it just hurts to watch them seem to not care. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't... I just want to know if she actually wants to try or is just going to leave me when she goes off to college. I want to know if I should actually fight. I want to, but I can not be burned again. It still hurts too much from the last time.

Today, I was accused of saying something because I thought I had the right to since I moved out and am now all "high and mighty".

Let's get this fucking straight. If someone comes to me, asks me something as a favor or for advice or whatever, my current situation has ZERO effect on my answer. I listen to the facts, and whether or not if it's good for my "safety", I do what I think is right. If I get hurt in the process, fine, it's my own damn fault. But I will NOT stand someone blaming whatever I say on how I am doing at that moment. That would be just stupid of me to do. I may not act modest sometimes, but generally, I prefer to keep low, speak from the heart, cuz that's where the best advice and help comes from.

I could be hitting rock bottom, and I still would've said what I did.

To be accused of...gawd fucking dammit, this is what makes me want to end shit with people. And I'm really fucking close to. For the past month, I've been thinking about what is and isn't best for me, and I am finding that there are a few people I want to cut out of my life for good. All I get from them is drama, and I have enough shit to deal with, so fuck'em, I don't care about'em anymore. If they want to stay friends, they have to leave their shit out of it. I will be there to talk about whatever, but I will not listen to their problems. I used to do that, all the time, and what did it get me? With the combination of my shitty home life, some very severe depression and General Anxiety Disorder, because I was so worried about everyone else. I'm DONE. Before I can help anyone else, I need to make sure I'm stable enough to take care of myself.

And anyone who has a problem with me moving out of my parents' house...fuck you.

Anyone who has a problem with who I am dating...again, fuck you. (this one is mainly directed at one person who I would jump at the chance to bitch out. that is, if i didn't care about making more drama with her)

in other news....i am ending one of the most fun weekends ever. my girlfriend picked me up from school on Friday, and we hung out at the apartment til everyone else got there for the party. mostly air force peeps, but a couple friends from LC too, both of which have been added to the A-List for parties. Hey, Jaz, want a sunset?
next day, the guys and i went off-roading with another air force guy. that was some scary shit, but fun. Wehunt should be posting vids on youtube soon...i'll provide links when they're up. ;D
my roomies and i went up to check out this house on N 3rd St thats for rent...its freaking MASSIVE. 3x the size of our apartment...and we can afford it. if they let Epic the Cat in (which they should), we have a new place. 83 and it is beau-ti-ful!

ah, life....balanced.

I have officially moved out of my house, as of this past Saturday.

Freedom is amazing.

Currently looking for a job, prospects are looking better than usual...

No internet at my place, so we have to go down to the library a couple blocks away. Free 24/7 wifi. Yay! AND we might be moving back into the city in a month. ;D

Small party this Friday, possibly... Won't know until I hear from my chica.

Okay, so if anyone actually reads all of this, you are amazing.

Topics Covered:

Portland
Spokane Falls a.k.a. my new school
Culminating Project
Cheney
Job?
Roadtrip?
Books!

Portland

(This is in no way in event order)
I have to say, this is basically the city of my dreams. The bus ride there wasn't too bad, one of Jaga's old HS peeps was on it with us. She seemed pretty cool. ^_^
But then, getting into Portland...it was SO GORGEOUS! And the air is actually CLEAN! *happy sigh* Powell's Bookstore is definitely my favorite part of the city. It covers an entire city block, and is 3, 4 stories! Of JUST BOOKS! It was heaven, I didn't want to leave! But we had to, before I spent all my money..hehe...It's separated into color-coded rooms, and each room has select subjects in them, and at the entrances you can pick up a map so you know where to find everything. And computers periodically where they have every book on stock on catalog so you know if they have it in stock or not without having to search everywhere. Then there was Pioneer Square...a mall that runs below the streets as well as above. Kory, Jaga, and I had to search for it downtown, cuz Kory forgot exactly where it was. I can't blame'em for not remembering, that area was confusing. Anyways, there was a crystal shop that I had to leave as well cuz I would have spent all my moneys there too...T-T And Moonshadow! Must not forget that...MOST AWESOME PAGAN SHOP EVER! I got a new tarot deck there, Tarot of the Elves, and Dragon Blood ink. All of the daggers, the statues, cloth hangings...so beautiful. Back in Milwaukie, Drake and I journeyed to the Island, a section of forest that is closed off most of the year because of the river. It was so beautiful, and you could feel the ripples off energy. On all of the walks I took with Jaga, Kory, and/or Drake, I ended up finding perfect or nearly perfect feathers and shells. I haven't collected either in years, but they're nice (free) souvenirs from the trip. I left out a lot, but I really don't want to type all of it out...

I love Portland. Hehe...


Spokane Falls
I start school on Monday, at one of the community colleges. I am both excited/ready but then apprehensive/freaking out. I don't have all my textbooks yet, since two of the ones I need I can't get until the first day of school, when the on campus bookstore is going to be INSANE. Just about everyone will be going in and out of there....eek. I dropped my first aid class. I'm going to need that extra time to work and study.
So I'm taking Intro to Global Issues (M-F, 8:30-9:30), MacroEconomics (M-F, 9:30-10:30), and first year Spanish (M-Th, 11:30-12:45). Yay!

Culminating Project
I've started on my culminating project...I probably already talked about it in another journal, but oh well. I'm almost completely rewriting a story I wrote a few years back in middle school, and expanding the plot (in summary only). Completing the book would take a good 4, 5 years with school and a job. I'm going to write out the entire plotline, character sketches, maps of certain major areas, and have the first part completed. At least, that's my goal.

Cheney

In one month (possibly less), I will be moving to Cheney.
I'm going to be sharing an apartment with a friend and his roommate. And he's going to try and help me get a job at the air force base in either food services or at the hotel.
I'm still going to be enrolled in school, it's just going to take me hella longer to get to school... Good thing these guys get up at 5 am, so chances are I'll be fine getting up early enough. Yay for getting out of mi casa!

Job?

As stated in the previous section, I'm hopefully going to get a job on base... Otherwise, I'll be looking for jobs in the Cheney area. If anyone hears of anything over there, tell me, please? ^^

Roadtrip?

Depending on my classes and how cool my professors are, I might be going out of town for a while. I'll be working on the trip, so I don't get behind. And there are other factors, but I'll update later, after I know if I'm going or not.

Books!

After my visit to Powell's, I've decided to make a list of books I'm missing from some of my favorite series and just books in general... This is more for me than anyone else, and as I'm already writing a journal, might as well post the titles. Small now, but definitely a growing list...
Sadar's Keep by Midori Snyder
Unwind by Neal Shusterman

So...I've been in Portland for the past couple days, having the time of my life, for serial.

A semi-complete account will be made when I get back to Spokane...tomorrow... *cries*

My bus leaves at 10 in the morning and we get into Spokane a little before 5....

Okay, one little bit thats annoying me.

I bought a new tarot deck.

The same day I buy it, one of the cards goes MISSING.

So I'm going back tomorrow morning to search Sushiland from top to bottom.

Yay.